Setting and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
Guidance on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries for improved mental well-being.
The concept of setting boundaries in relationships can evoke feelings of anxiety and dread for many of us. Those emotions can be natural and understandable responses to anticipating conflict in important relationships. However, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is akin to creating a safe space for oneself in relation to others. At Slate Therapy, we recognize the critical role that boundaries play in fostering mental and relational well-being, and we offer guidance on establishing boundaries that promote balanced and fulfilling relationships.
The Barriers to Boundary Setting
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define the limits of what we find acceptable in a relationship or situation. Establishing these boundaries is an essential aspect of self-care and is crucial for maintaining mental health. In fact, research shows that setting and maintaining boundaries helps regulate stress hormones, enhances emotion regulation, and can improve relational functioning. In spite of these benefits, people respond to the concept of setting boundaries with a partner, co-worker, family member, or friend with thoughts like the following: “I don’t want to be mean—I feel like this will hurt their feelings;” “That sounds great, but I don’t think that’s going to go over well.” “The thought of having that conversation is really distressing, so I’d rather just take the mistreatment than have a difficult conversation.”
When our clients express these common difficulties with boundaries, our therapists often respond with an important point: we set boundaries in relationships we care about. While it might seem “harsh” to express a boundary in a relationship, doing so actually supports a healthy relationship with that person. Setting boundaries allows us to be more authentic with those we care about and can help us avoid building unspoken resentment against another person. Expressing what you need for a relationship to work is not only a way to honor yourself, but a way to honor the relationship.
Guidance on Setting Healthy Boundaries
So, what does this look like in practice? Read on for some practical ideas and examples of how to approach boundary setting in relationships.
Self-Reflection: Self-reflection is the first step in identifying the boundaries that will contribute to your mental well-being. We cannot know what boundaries we need to set unless we know what lines have been crossed! Take some time to think through your own needs, values, and limits in this relationship.
When coming up with what your limits are, it is important to only set boundaries you are willing to uphold. Otherwise, your behavior might unintentionally communicate that crossing your boundaries is acceptable.
Clear Communication: Once you have established what you need for a relationship to work, clearly communicate this boundary to the person involved. Articulate your needs and limits with assertiveness and kindness.
When describing the situation you’re setting a boundary around, stick to “I statements” to describe your needs (e.g., “I notice myself feeling overwhelmed with managing all my responsibilities when you visit me for a full week”). Try to avoid “You statements,” as these can come sometimes increase feelings of defensiveness (e.g., “You always book trips to visit me at the worst possible time”).
When articulating the boundary itself, being clear, specific, and direct allows the other person to know what you’re asking of them. For instance, “I appreciate spending time with you, and I am asking that this upcoming trip be scheduled for a weekend, rather than during the work week.”
Finally, express how this boundary will support you and the relationship: “The shortened trip will help me to be more present and less stressed when I’m spending time with you.”
Hold the Line: When we start to change how we show up in a relationship, it can take time and practice for the other person’s behavior to adjust to that change. Recognize that maintaining boundaries may involve pointing out when a boundary has been crossed and restating your needs. For instance, “I hear that you would rather your trip be longer than what I am offering. This is what will work for me for the reasons I mentioned, so I am asking you to respect that boundary.”
Sometimes, other people might struggle with the boundary you set. It is important to remember that we are responsible for how we show up in these conversations, but not for other people’s emotions, thoughts and actions.
If the person’s response to you ends up crossing your boundaries (e.g., if their voice is raised, they are speaking to you in inappropriate ways, or are refusing to accept your boundary), it might be best to take some space. For instance: “The way you’re speaking to me is disrespectful and I don’t think talking about this more right now will be productive. I am going to be ending the call now.” Sometimes, the boundary itself is to minimize contact with a person whose behavior is harmful to you until they are in a place to be able to respect your limits.
Regular Boundary Check-Ins: Periodically reassess your boundaries to ensure they align with your evolving needs and circumstances. Flexibility is key to maintaining boundaries that support your mental health.